Silent

Hey guys! It's hot here. Haha, yes, Summer in Florida has begun. The hot and the humid is here. It's usually about this time that I want to move to Canada or other such places. :)

Lately, I've been working on being honest with you, my friends. Because I believe if we spoke with hearts unlocked, the essence of community would grow and we will truly be the body of Christ.

So, honesty, life's hard right now. Really. I can't tell you everything (it's not all mine to tell), but I need Jesus now.

As of late, I've had to be stronger than I'd ever thought possible, more dependant on God than I'd ever wanted, and more desperate for His presence than ever before. 

Last night, I sat outside on my sidewalk. I do it nearly every night. That's when I chat with Jesus. So anyways, I was sitting there and I was explaining the situation to Him. I was desperate for some answers. I needed (ahem...need) wisdom. Badly. I sat there and I realized, I didn't feel His presence at all. Usually, I have a sense that He's at least listening, that He's there. But there was silence. Just silence. But not for long.

I started to cry. I missed Him. Soon I was sobbing. I don't think I've ever cried so hard. Not in years (if you know me well, you know I'm not a cry-ish person). I missed Him and I just wanted to go home, my real home (not necissarilly die, just go there). I was utterly lonely. When I'm usually lonely, I at least know God is there. But not then. I was completely alone. To me, in that moment, God was up in heaven, a million miles away; now here on earth, with me. I needed Him and He wasn't there.

So I sat there outside sobbing hard for at least an hour (ok, I know we're all serious right now, but I must say this. While I was weeping, I looked up and saw that my neighbor was taking out her trash! She's just a little old lady and she probably was like, "Oh, teenagers...". I felt really stupid. Haha). I was so desperate for God. But He was silent.

I also, last night, had a dream. I dreamed that there was a snake. It kept biting me, over and over, again and again. I was crying out for God to help me and He didn't answer. This went on and I woke up. 

Last night, I truly learned what Paul was talking about how faith is being sure of what we hope for and being certain of what we cannot see. I've heard that verse dozens of times. But not I'm certain of this: Faith is what happens when you can't see, hear, or feel God but you believe in Him and want Him anyway.

Even in His silence last night, something in me, something deep down, believed that God was truly there. If I was sure with every fiber in me that He wasn't, I wouldn't have talked to Him. It would have been pointless.  Last night, I couldn't see God. I couldn't hear God. I couldn't feel God. But something in my spirit wanted Him still, needed Him still.

My friends, we aren't always going to feel God at our side. We won't always hear Him speak. But He's there. 

I still don't feel Him very much. I still can't hear Him very much. But through faith, I'm sure of my hopes, ans certain of the invisible. 

Here's lyrics to a song which pertains to this post:

verse:

How long will my prayers seem unanswered? 
Is there still faith in me to reach the end?
I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith
But giving up would cost me everything
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night

chorus:

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it 
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

verse:

Though I can't see my stories ending
That doesn't mean the dark night has no end
It's only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the one who writes my days
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night 

(chorus)

bridge:

No dark can consume Light 
No death greater than this life
We are not forgotten
Hope is found when we say
Even when He is silent 

(chorus)

On a different note, or somewhat different, I was talking to God a few nights ago (I'd just gotten back from the conference I told you all about and was convicted to read my Bible) and I said, "God, I just...I need to read the Bible. But right now, I really don't want to. God, I just want to want to read the Bible. I want to want to read it like a new story book; anxious to get my work done to read it." 

And so, the next day, I was scrubbing my bathtub and I just thought, man, I want to get this done so I can read my Bible. Um hello! Where did that come from? It was so weird. So I sat in my room for probably an hour just reading.

Yeah, it's been weird, lately, I've actually enjoyed reading the Bible. I still need to get over Leviticus, though (Yes, I remember trying to read it a while back and I said, "God, I'm sorry. This is just so boring." haha)... :)

Well, my dear friends, I must go. I hope I was able to give you at least a little encouragement, or wisdom or something. I do ask you to pray for me. Times are still very hard and if God doesn't answer, I don't know what I will do, haha. I hope you all are having a good day (or night or whatever) and may God be near you all, even if you can't feel Him.