Good evening, dear ladies and sirs! I don't know about you, but Summer is coming just a tad bit too fast......I can't catch up with how fast time is flying! 

To update you on a few things, I am currently in the process of raising money for my Africa trip (if you open your windows and listen closely, at almost any time of the day, you may hear my squeals of excitement)! I cannot wait to go snuggle with my babies!

I am also enjoying spending time with my wonderful friends that I have made over the Winter. We are getting into the habit of throwing tea parties (non-political). Need I waste words to say I sort of love them? With all my heart? No? Ok.

     (This is our tea/root beer party from last week that we had in our woods - A.K.A Narnia. I wouldn't want to live anywhere else right now!)

As for my thoughts as of late which I know you are undoubtedly interested in, I have come to several resolutions. One of which, I will share and try not to take up too much of your time. Grab a cool glass of lemonade just in case (ever noticed my thing with beverages and reading? Hmmmm....)!

Most of my life, I have had a constant battle with feeling an unexplained guilt. It is peculiar because though I am a sinner, I can't think of one particular event to be so unspeakably ashamed of that it would affect my  entire spiritual/emotional life so much. And yet it has caused depressions and distancing myself from God because I can't imagine that He would ever want me.

I have always perceived myself as the firstborn, in God's eyes. You know how firstborns are; they are expected to be mature and help raise the other children. And if they should do something wrong, they should know better. Therefore, there is little grace. This is how I see myself. I know this belief of mine isn't biblical. I know it's a lie but I constantly listen to it anyway. I should know better than to do something wrong! So when I do, God is rather disappointed in me and lacks grace and forgiveness. My heart feels it intensely and beats me up about it. And thus starts the cycle of acute spiritual (and usually emotional) depression in which I believe myself far to dirty to come to the supposed throne of grace, though the Gospel is clear about God's grace toward all people. Even me.

It was in this spot of condemnation when I attended a Jesus Culture concert. I do always try to not get my hopes up, but I couldn't help but wonder, "Will this be the night I am set free? Will I feel God's love tonight? What would those things feel like?". As is obvious, the music was amazing. And as I tried ever so hard to focus my heart outward toward God, it instead quickly turned inward toward my own sense of shame. I tried to tell myself that my guilt was left at the cross with my sins, but the lies consumed my heart regardless. I begged God to silence them, but it never happened. I left the concert worse than before, bitter toward both God and myself, and eyes red from crying.

On the way home, my brother reminded me of the story Jesus told found in Luke 18:9-14. In this story, there are two men who go to the temple to pray; a pharisee and a tax collector. The pharisee prayed loudly, in heartfelt tones, thanking God that he was not a sinner like the tax collector. He fasts twice a week and tithes faithfully! All the while, the tax collector (aka scum of the earth who everyone hated) begged for mercy with his face to the ground, daring not to look to Heaven. Know what? The sinner, not the pharisee, left the temple justified from his sins.

Yes, this is a wonderful story. But I never thought about this one thing: Do you suppose that the sinner left feeling justified by God? Or was he still deeply concerned in his bed that night? Was it constantly in his thoughts? It doesn't say. I can imagine that the pharisee, the leader, the one of high spiritual class left feeling pretty confident in himself. Perhaps too confident. Perhaps he went to the marketplace upbeat and giving everyone high fives, all the while unaware that the sinner who was broken and downtrodden, who so ashamed, had something that the pharisee could not have: a contrite heart. This is of infinite value to God.

Don't misunderstand me. We should rest assured in our forgiveness. God's salvation is concrete (yet should never be taken lightly). But what about when all we hear are whispers of guilt? What about when we can't even look to Heaven because of self-hatred? What about when we can't overcome our feelings that grace has run out? The answer is clear to me:


Regardless of how heavy the burden of shame was upon that sinner, he is the one who went home righteous in God's eyes. Not the one who had it all together.

And that is my resolution! What are your thoughts on this matter? I hope I have not taken up too much of your time, though if you are still reading I thank you for making it this far and spending time with me and my thoughts (you may not know but Quality Time is by far my love language). I hope you have a wonderful week!